The Live Monkey Wrench

It’s Haibun Monday over at the dVerse Poets Pub. Our prompt is birthdays.


No doubt about it, there are some couples who simply should not procreate. My parents were in this number. They probably should have dated for a while & called it good. But no, they had to take that ball and run with it — smack dab into a wall. From the first month it was a union fraught with peril, according to my mom. She knew she’d made a mistake, but hung in there anyway. Then she got pregnant and almost left my dad when she was three months along.

After I was born, things really got interesting. From what I hear, it was as though a live monkey wrench had been tossed into a clusterf**k. Dad had his heart set on a boy, so I was a disappointment right out of the chute. I did not deviate from this path, as Dad often pointed out. Mom was happy with me though. In the end, some mistakes cannot be undone, such as hapless slips of sperm.

 

Please, no cards or gifts.

forget cake and candles, too;

a day best ignored.

 

 

ShutterStock

 

 

 

Dat Ding

This week for Song Lyric Sunday, Jim Adams has asked us to choose a song relating to the prompts:   Acquire/Collect/Gather/Secure. Hopefully this song is a fit since the person singing is attempting to acquire ‘dat ding.’

 

Lyrics

Gimme Dat Ding

That’s right, That’s right
I’m sad and blue
‘Cause I can’t do the Boogaloo
I’m lost, I’m lost
Can’t do my thing
That’s why I sing

Gimme, Gimme Dat Ding Ah…
Gimme Dat, Gimme Dat
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme Dat
Gimme Dat Ding, Gimme Dat
Gimme, Gimme Dat, Gimme Dat Ding
Gimme Dat, Gimme, Gimme Dat,
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Dat Ding (Oh Sing it one more time Momma)
Oh,Gimme Dat, Gimme Dat
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme Dat
Gimme Dat Ding, Gimme Dat
Gimme, Gimme Dat, Gimme Dat Ding
Gimme Dat, Gimme, Gimme Dat,
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Dat Ding (Ah, you ain’t doin’ that late at night)
Ah, what good’s a metronome
Without a bell for ringing
Not once, can’t anybody ever tell he’s swinging
How can you tell the rhythm written on the bar
How can you ever hope to know where you are?

 

SongFacts

  • Albert Hammond and Mike Hazlewood wrote this song. Some other hit songs they wrote include “The Air That I Breathe,” “Free Electric Band” and “It Never Rains In Southern California,” which was a hit for Hammond.
  • Hammond and Hazlewood wrote this for the children’s television show Oliver And The Overlord. Later, it the became background tune used on The Benny Hill show.
  • The Pipkins were not a real group – the song was recorded by producer Roger Greenaway and session singer Tony Burrows. For live appearances, The Pipkins were Davey Sands and Len Marshall.
  • This was used on the TV show Ally McBeal several times, for John Cage (played by Peter MacNicol) to do his “Angry Dance” to. >>
  • Singer Tony Burrows told the story of the song to Mojo magazine August 2010: “It was written for a children’s TV programme called Oliver In The Underworld. “Freddie Garrity (of Freddie and the Dreamers) was the artist. It was the only song Freddie didn’t do on the album, Roger Greenaway and I were booked to do backing vocals for the album at Abbey Road. Basically we made (Ding) in the studio. It was a conversation between a metronome and a pianola – the metronome had lost its click, so it was originally called Gimme Dat Click. But that wouldn’t sing, so we changed it.”
  • Burrows admitted to Mojo: “I was surprised it was a hit. It was banned in Italy, they thought it was vulgar.”
  • Burrows was part of four different acts that had a hit song around this time. In addition to The Pipkins, he sang lead on Love Grows (where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Lighthouse, “My Baby Loves Lovin'” by White Plains, and “United We Stand” by Brotherhood of Man. Burrows performed all three of these songs just mentioned in addition to “Gimme Dat Ding” on the BBC music show Top of the Pops in 1970. He told Mojo: “The producer said, ‘The word has come from above that you’re not to be used any more, people are beginning to think it’s a con.’ They banned me from Top of the Pops. I was not played by the BBC for two years.”

 

Absolutely Gorgeous

It’s First Line Friday over at The MindLovesMisery’s Menagerie blog. This week’s first line is:

Lush melodies drew her to the door of the lounge, the friendly smiles enticed her inside.


Lush melodies drew her to the door of the lounge, the friendly smiles enticed her inside. That, and a sudden urge to use the restroom. It seemed to be happening a lot lately, this business of peeing several times an hour. Evidently her ol’ bladder just couldn’t hold it like it used to. Must be part of the ageing process, she figured, but at the tender age of 40?

“Ain’t That a Kick in the Head” was wafting through the smoky air as Celia walked through the doorway. She smiled a sad smile. Her grandmother had loved Dean Martin and Celia had loved her grandmother more than anything. She looked around for a “Ladies” sign but didn’t see one, so she stopped one of the smiling waitstaff and inquired as to the whereabouts of the restroom. Surprisingly, the server put her tray down and walked Celia right to the restroom door.

She thought about asking the kind woman if she could pee for her too, but thought better of it. Not everyone appreciated Celia’s warped sense of humor.

As long as she was in a cocktail lounge, and there was an absolutely gorgeous guy sitting alone at the bar Celia decided to have a drink.

She stood near the man but not too close and ordered a shot of Yeager and a Bud Light.

The bartender hesitated, glancing at Celia’s protruding stomach. “Uh, Ma’am, do you really think that’s good for the baby?”

Celia’s mouth fell open but she had trouble getting words to come out. “Wh-wh-what baby? What do you mean?”

The bartender’s face was a lovely shade of crimson by now, and she simply stared at the floor.

“You think I’m pregnant!?”

“I-I’m sorry…” she stammered.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Celia said in a low, raspy voice as she gave the girl a sly wink. “It’s just a beer gut.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” The bartender looked skeptical but set about pouring the drinks.

 

Oh, my God. Could I be pregnant? It’s been about six months since I James and I…Aw,shit!”

The bartender placed two napkins in front of Celia and set the shot glass and bottle gently atop them.

Celia stared at them for a moment, shrugged, then downed the Yeager and chugged half the beer. She wiped her mouth with her sleeve and turned to speak to the absolutely gorgeous guy, but he was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SusanWritesPrecise
‘Cigar Bar Evening Lounge’ by Brent Lynch

The Last Knight

It’s Fandango’s One Word Challenge. This week our word prompt is Cynical.


Dinah liked to think of herself as a realist, immune to faerie tales, knights in shining armor, and dreams that can’t come true. That’s bullshit kid stuff, she told herself, and Dinah was no kid. She was tough, capable, independent, and yes, jaded.

Yet, deep down inside, there was a tiny part of her that wished her dreams really could come true, that there really was someone out there for her who would whisk her away to a life filled with magic and love.

Pffft! The chances of that happening were about the same as the tooth faerie getting stuck in my chimney.

Dinah had tried to find love numerous times; countless dates, fix-ups, hook-ups, even online dating. It had all been a waste of time. All she got out of it was a broken heart and enough humiliation to last a lifetime. It turned out that there was not someone for everybody, and Dinah was okay with that. She had her career and her four cats to keep her warm.

Then, her friend Julie called to tell her that she’d found the perfect guy, and Dinah just had to meet him.

Again?” Dinah replied. “This is about the eighth perfect guy you’ve found for me.”

“I know, I know,” Julie said dismissively. “But this guy is special. He’s really different. You’ll see.”

“Oh?”

“Uh, well, yeah…” Julie stumbled over her words. “I sort of said you’d meet him at Sir Galahad’s tomorrow at 7:00 for drinks.”

Dinah felt her blood pressure rise. “You just assumed I had no plans? I have a life, Julie. A real life!”

“With your job and your cats? Yeah, I know.”

She might as well have stabbed Dinah in the heart with a butter knife. “You’re funny. Ever thought of doing stand-up?”

“So you’ll go then? Sir Galahad’s at 7:00.”

“I heard you the first time. Yes, I’ll be there.” Dinah lied, and hung up the phone.

The phone rang again, and Dinah picked up. “Now what, Julie?”

“His name is Ari.”

“Great,” Dinah said. “I’ll make a note of it.”

“Well, have fun tomorrow night and…you’ll let me know how it goes?” Julie said hopefully.

“Oh, I will.”

 

That next evening…

 

Dinah curled up her sofa up with a glass of red wine, a blanket, a book, and two of her cats. She turned her phone off, so no one would bother her.

A couple of times her date with Ari crossed her mind, but these thoughts were fleeting. She’d been through it enough to know how it would turn out. Dinah turned the page.

Meanwhile at Sir Galahad’s, Ari waited until 8:00 for Dinah to arrive. He wasn’t too surprised that she was a no-show. That’s the way his luck went, plus a “wonderful woman” like Dinah probably had a million more interesting things to do. He’d caught the eyes of several women but didn’t make a move in hopes that Dinah might still show up.

Finally, he paid his tab and left, driving away in a 1965 silver Mustang.

 

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