Here is another interview that didn’t take place. If it had, below are the questions James Lipton might have asked, and the answers I may have provided.

James: Susan! Thank you so much for agreeing to the interview. I’ve been dying to meet you! And now, here you are.

Susan: Thank you, James. It’s an honor.

James: I absolutely LOVE your book, Gutter Ball: A Collection of Short Stories. Brilliant! You’ve got quite an imagination…

Susan: Well, I try…

James: Lets get started. “What is your least favorite word?”

Susan: The first word that comes to mind is “meander.” I don’t like the sound of it. It’s a nasally, whiney kind of word. Meee-aaander. Ugh. I am also not terribly fond of the word, “no,” and rarely use it when talking to myself.

James: What turns you on?

Susan: Rain and thunderstorms. I am never more peaceful and grounded than when it rains.

James: What turns you off?

Susan: Aside from ever-obnoxious sunshine, people who insist on pointing out the bright side of any situation. Sometimes, there isn’t one so don’t insist on fabricating it. There are days when life sucks; own it.

James: What sound or noise do you love?

Susan: In the fall when wind rustles the leaves. I love that!

James: What sound or noise do you hate?

Susan: Jackhammers do nothing to enhance my existence, nor does the sound of one or more of my cats vomiting.

James: What is your favorite curse word?

Susan: Shit. Dreck is good, too.

James: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Susan: I would like to play the harp with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. Oh, and a Russian Translator. Either of those would be cool.

James: What profession would you not like to do?

Susan: A sanitation engineer. I wouldn’t want to be a ballerina either. Looks like it would hurt the toes.

James: Finally; “If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?”

Susan: God would be smiling as big as the sky and say, “That was freakin’ amazing!” The He would give me a high five.