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Below is an edited excerpt of Piers Morgan’s interview with Oprah Winfrey on January 17, 2011.


MORGAN: Tell me this, Ms. Shuman. Do you ever get sort of surreal moments when — I’m just trying to picture what it’s like being you? When you wake up in the morning and you go, bloody hell, I’m The Abject Muse, aka Susan Shuman. Do you ever?

SUSAN: Sure. Who wouldn’t? I’ve been me for over five decades though, so I am pretty much used to it. Every so often though, BAM! Reality smacks me in the face with a three-day-old catfish.

MORGAN: How many people do you absolutely, 100 percent trust?

SUSAN: All but two of my multiple personalities.

MORGAN: Who would they be?

SUSAN: Dick & Jane. They aren’t as much fun as they’d like you to think.

MORGAN: Do you contemplate failure with Gutter Ball? Have you thought about that?

SUSAN: Have you read it? There’s no way it can fail. Especially with the Wild-Ass Series in there.

MORGAN: Of course, you’re right. Silly of me. In another direction…I mean, now you have reached this — pinnacle — you are the nearest thing America’s got to a princess. Do you feel regal? Do like being famous?

SUSAN: I don’t feel regal; I am regal. I’m lovin’ every  second of it. Peel me a grape!

MORGAN: <Laughter> When we come back, Susan on her life’s mission.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

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MORGAN: Now, about that life’s mission. Susan, what do you think it is?

SUSAN: In addition to rescuing animals in distress, I feel that my mission on this planet is to write about not only the human condition, but about the homunculi condition as well.

MORGAN: What’s been one of the most hurtful things you’ve had to hear or read about yourself?

SUSAN: Someone once told me that my fried chicken was greasy.

MORGAN: Everything Susan touches turns to gold. A bartender on and off for 25 years, a waitress, data entry clerk, and freelance writer extraordinaire. Millions read her blog, and now she has written a book!

SUSAN: Yep. Amazeballs, right?

MORGAN: I know you hate this phrase but what is your brand do you think?

SUSAN: Talent. Pure, genius talent.

MORGAN: How many times have you been properly in love?

SUSAN: Stop, Piers. You’re making me blush!

MORGAN: C’mon. You can tell me.

SUSAN: No, I cannot. But I will tell you that I’ve been improperly in love more times than I’ve been properly in love.

And that about wraps it up!

SusanWritesPrecise/ The Abject Muse

A collection of my best, brightest & darkest.